one two three fourrrrnication!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
