and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
