Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
