You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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