he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
