I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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