Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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