Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
