i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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