im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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