Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
