you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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