I wanna passion pit in your ass
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
