I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
