I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
