i already hear my dad disowning me
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
