You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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