he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
