so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
