i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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