I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
