When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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