it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
