i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
