I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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