life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
