it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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