He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
