Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
