went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
