the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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