tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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