she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
