Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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