I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
