Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
