dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
