i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Everything about him screamed your future.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
