i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
