chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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