Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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