We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
They have beer where we have blood.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
