turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
