I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
