At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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