After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
