I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
