Please don't use social media to get back at me.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
