It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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