I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
