I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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